Growing up

Is been a long time since i blog again, i almost forgotten that i have a blog. Lately I just realise the different people in my surrounding better. People all have different feelings and thinking about you, but they choose to keep it deep inside, the closer you are to them, the deeper they keep it away from you. To the extend where you feel so weird and so much doubt when you are with the people you are once so close with.
I have also realise no matter how old I am, I still have a very funny problem I have with friends. Frankly speaking, making friends and being with friends is a no problem for me, the problem only comes in when I want to maintain the relationship with them, the closer they are; the harder it is to keep them close to you. You just never know when they will hide things from you again and backstab you from the back.

For me, I am not that kind of people , which I just realise. No matter how much bullshit friends( the closer ones ) give, I will not retaliate , is just a funny behavior of mine, instead I will just act as if nothing really happen and I don`t know a lot of stuff, but deep inside I know there is something wrong. Common , what do you expect from a person who have tried to read Body language for 2 years. ( haha I am being corky now) . But still, I will want to treasure this bastard close to me. Why?... come one why is it in the 1st place I have tried making them the best buddies .. I hate to trust people. But once you get my trust, I will go in all the way to you, but instead.. I always got hurt.. which I dun think I can change that anymore

Being someone who is soft friend sucks at times too… everyone will start to approach you as a listening ear and share their problems. Yes!! They say they just need an listening ear, but deep down they are expecting a solution and advice, which I hate it.. then they will start to complaint about you etc… common already.. I am HUMAN!! Too.. i am recently quite packed with all the camps plans… sch work, exam, meeting up with friends, project. I need my rest too.. but they never stop coming. Please don`t get me wrong. I love to help people, espically people close to me, but however, please don’t start to mistreat my trust to you again, and turn to others when you realise you cant get an answer.


I need help too, so please dun be selfish, as I said, I ain street smart, I need help as much as anyone do. But is just that sincerely speaking, I just realise I do not have any one left to share my personal problems. Although I used to think I could.. but then again. People change right??.. or maybe I just seem to ~okay~ to get anyone alarm that I have a huge cock up problem inside me. But who cares.. haha

In terms of love, I kept seeing people break and patch over and over again, every one around me keeps doing that. Then sometimes I ask myself, why is there a freaking picture of __ still in my photo album??.. I got this mix up feeling.. I dun know if is still love or what.. I kept thinking abt it since?? Ever? But looking at the situation I am in now, and the person is in now, I guess is impossible.. she seems happier on the other side right.. haha, and I am still the bastard.. and after what I have done.. hahah!! NO comments.. feel like whacking myself.. or if there is a wall.. bang that wall man!!..

Maybe is just I am socially awkward. That why I have so much of this problems, but never the least.. at least I know I have to keep going, at least that what my closer friends kept telling me.. or rather he kept telling me.. hahah!! All the best to him her and all of us;)

My only hope..

Great job melvyn!!.. just when u though you have someone you can trust and share stuff with!!.. The person is believing others also!!.. and is not trusting you anymore!! congrates melvyn!!>. woo hoo.. u have officially lost 6 close intermediate ppl!!You totally rock my life!!!.. haha!!.. now there is so much more to go!!.. haha.. new stupid life..!! fking class mates.. and i really have heard so many stuff abt ther person!!>. and great you have just lost it!!.. wan swi!!..

I really wonder if the person is right abt this.. but i really doubt is so much!!.. i really kept stuff to myself so much!! so much!! but end up or rather. this had to happen! which had come at just this right time!! Great job man!!

Isolated

Once again.. i never fail to disappoint people again.. to my junior? or friends? anybody.. sick of myself doing that.. always seeing my goals. high high.. but in the end .. it ends the same way.
No matter how hard i try to get close to someone nows a day.. it fails.. Just in Jan2011.. when different chances comes.. i though this time is going to be different, but is all a illusion. I cant seem to do anything right again.. I tend to run away from problems now!,

Avoiding, choosing not to address things!! this sucks.. Where is the old melvyn Ng.. who is humble.. and less egoistic..!! I miss caring for the onces i love.. i miss caring for my son, spouse.. and buddies.. All of them are so near.. but yet.. so far..!

The most foolish person!!.. the dumb ones!!>. dunno what happening.. slow.. blur.. This is what i am hearing from my friends! I suck.. simple to put it.. i suck..!! I cant seem to open up to anyone anymore.. to be laughted at?? again.. i cant take the risk..

Ones. some one told me on the way home.. !! COMMON Melvyn.. i am close to you!!>. but deep inside.. i noe i am close.. but yet.. i cant open up to him !. i feel so horrible when he is with me now.. Or whoever is once close to me!..

This is wrong.. so wrong...

I think the ends near?.. so near. i can feel the coldness coming inch by inch!!.. I feel isolated.. not even my parents.. i can share this with!.. i am just too foolish..

Common .. if u wan my life.. just take it away as soon as possible.. stop making me suffer.. IS PAINFUL.. physically and mentally.. health.. detorritaes.. bladder problem!! water retention!!.. why is it comming one by one!!..

I just want to protect -- from everything.. tad all i ask for..


The ends near... is ending.. where are u when i need you!

Horrible attitude..

I am just here to asy fuck man!! seriosuly.. horrible arggg i feel like whacking smt!!!.. i cant express my anger.. so much for being so good!! really.. fuck it.. i am open. who is there to listen !! no one okay no!!.. fuck man!!>..!! really just argg.. i just wanna change!! really bad.. no more good.. positive fuck it man!! every where is just so`~~~~ damm.. cca/sch/ex sch/friends/jr/close friend/parents/family/brother/.. ARGG EVERYONE!!... fuck it all just fuck it all!!!!

A fast Year PAST..

In YHHB fun camp `10 now... seeing how my beloved batch of sec 4 now have graduated:) i feel damm happy for them.. although they will still join the alumni, seeing them will be very little now, :( . Nostalgic feeling come across . during the POP, i remember it wasnt just very long ago before my graduation, and now it is my juniors turn... Things are so different now, i just wish i can turn back the time, and attend to my mistakes and the things i missed before. Now that they have graduated, i feel weird .. like a lost in prupose in life, it seems as if.. the world really just start afresh again. looking at others things now..

I really dun wan this night to end, cause the following day, it will just be different !! very different!!. E ven in the alumni, thing are changing so drastically, i really hate changes .. it stops someone from being able to acheive what he got..

I also realise that, my surrounding is getting smaller and smaller, i am loosing trust and close friendship with the old people, ... ultimately maybe is just me, but i really felt a sense of lost .. and isloation in everything i do now, . I wanna shout and ahre it someone.. but who will sincerly listen?

After-though

I have officialy put down hopes on some things now.. i guess i just know is a little impossible and compeletly mental to get what i wan, things seem very different now, even the people i though who never , CAN,.... people really change so much.. just by looking at my juniors mateen and raphael.. WOW!! really is just a WOW.. mat really grown up and improve a lot.. raphael too.. although growing up is good, there are something where the change really cause a lot of harmm.. but some things are just not meant to be shared or said i guess.. once bitten twice shy.

Time like this really suck. so much work.. and really a lot. people start going against you, even ur besties, what is worst is you cant share!!! there is nobody whome can understand you anymore.. it always seem you found a buddy, but in fact.. your are fooled... a lot.. sometimes i really want to just be inhuman.. and become selfish..etc.. but is so impossible for me!!.. life sucks for me..!! i have to always clean ppl shyt, and cover for them... not once man i dun have to do this.. i just dun noe how to reject ppl close to you.. and the worst is.. the closest to you are the onces throwing you the shit..!

I really dun noe how to comment on my life anymore... all along i been trying to help others.. but end up.. i am taking the shit!!>. rap has also been doing this.. but at the current situation now.. i think his life now is far better than mine..

I am still schooling, but i feel as if i am working etc... is not that people treat me bad.. but things arnt fair for me.. trying to get the best out for everyone when i do things.. in the end i am acusse for being biased.. and shown with attitude.. seriosly how long can i take this horrible life man!!.. if not for this blog.. i think i really become mental ..!!!


i am not as good as i used to be.. simple things now i cant do it.. and really i feel like FUCKING kill myself man.. Camp planning is super simple.. i cant even accomplish it with ease now!!.. dun talk abt BGR or friends relationship.. cause i dun think i really meant to have a good brother/friend of my other partner.. BUT WORK! or skills.. i really feel so CMI!! .. i remember 2 years ago of slashing myself.. but luckily nicholas. saw the slash and got help.. But will history repeat itself?...

I feel like a split person.. after reading this.. i feel so children.. but inside my head.. there is a volcano going to erupt.. if i dun post it out.. i think this time really !! hais...


I just want help asap.. i think i cant take this anymore.. but i am still stubborn.. where ever ppl ask me.. i am always okay.. I HAVE TO BE?/!!! or else what.. . i am still the person who dun wanna share my problem. unless you gain my trust.. but people who gain my trust after that.. just walk away.. . THIS LIFE IS JUST BULLSHIT!!!.. i miss my old life... i really miss it.. i miss Shannon(jr) raphael(jr) , nicholas.. eugene.. hiang teck.. jerlyn.. i really cant take it anymore..!! HELP!

Punch Bag

This is a random post just to let the water flow~~~.. think i am using blogs as punch bag again... but i guess is a harmless way of letting your heart felt words flow?.. anw is still a blog..

At times when you finally got a feel that you have finally given up and let go.. move on with your life... it actually shows... but more of a short term i guess? Life`s unfair just as what people say.. I guess i am not the person i use to be anymore too.. new life new system in poly.. well wad do you expect man!! however.. i still think some things still didnt change for me ?... i am still a proud ex member of YHHB:) ans i will always be.. anw is too much to leave yhss to i guess.. wondering if this would ever get to you.. but i seriously am STILL in love with you... always.. i tried so hard to let go.. but it didnt work i guess... especially after seeing the new photos.. it just competely broken everything i guess.. I admit i am a bastard the last time... seriosuly one!! but love has never been fake or played before in our case.. i never felt this pain before.. not even with friends.. the best descriptive word for it is just tearing me apart from everything!!.. i really regret not showing how much i love you the last time.. i hurt u badly !! i noe.. and i felt it!! .. i swear if there is another chance.. i will never give up in the chase.. i will not only love you.. but take care of you the entire life.. LS said to me once... is not good just to aim for you... cause after which when we are tgt.. i will hurt u again.. but i D check myself so many times.. and i realise.. i really love you... your everything..


However, seeing you so happy with . now.. it makes me happy too.. however, i really wish i was the guy... there.. always stand by you when ur in need.. so many people have given me advice even my best bud.. even our son!!!!.. if i love you.. i need to leave you. cause i am not the type for you.. and i cant take care of you because of my commiment.. i agree.. and i listen.. i tried really I TRIED!! . but still.. i cant let go of it... others ain just my type..!! ur too unique... at this time.. i am still thinking wth am i doing sharing all this shit here.. but as i though.. and think and think... i dun even noe if this will reach you or him making every one unhappy.. but i think this would be a necessary even if i noe i cant get you.. to be courageous and stand up and speak to the ones i love.. to tell you.. i love you!! i dun care what will others think... at least i need you to noe.. no matter what i still will be there.. loving you... cause no matter what distraction cant work for me... cause after a while... it comes back again!! so i wont be a man not to tell you this..


To tell you the truth.. the few days/weeks we been tgt.. i really felt the sense of responsibility. over there.. but i am just to tidmit.to show... but all this are still excuse.. i am still the bastard that harm you.. hurt you.. i am seriosuly sorry!!.. although i noe you may/may not see this but i apologise!! if there is still a chance... even the slightest chance.. (i think i am mad ans selfish / bastard to say this) i will really go for it again!. and this time.. i am sure i wont hurt you or any kind of hurt again!!.. although i really dun wanna break your current love... but ... i cant staop myself from not loving you... haha.. but come to think of it... mine will never come true.. hah really hilarious.. to just say it here.. when you noe nth gonna happen!!.. but still as i said.. i want to tellyou .. I love you~ written on 12112010~
I rhink this really represent how i have been feeling this few mth!! Sung by Chen Xiao Chun!

我知道故事不會太曲折
wo zhi dao gu shi bu hui tai qu zhe
I know this story is pretty straightforward

我總會遇見一個什麼人
wo zong hui yu jian yi ge shen me ren
I will find someone

陪我過沒有了她的人生
pei wo guo mei you le ta de ren sheng
To accompany me along the life without her

成家立業之類的等等
cheng jia li ye zhi lei de deng deng
Settle down, good career and everything

她做了她覺得對的選擇
ta zuo le ta jue de dui de xuan ze
Since she's made the choice she thinks is right

我只好祝福她真的對了
wo zhi hao zhu fu ta zhen de dui le
I can only give her my blessings

愛不到我最想要愛的人
ai bu dao wo zui xiang yao ai de ren
I can't love the person that I really want to

誰還能要我怎樣呢
shui hai neng yao wo zhen me ne
What else can I do?

我愛的人 不是我的愛人
wo ai de ren / bu shi wo de ai ren
The person I love is not my lover

她心裡每一寸 都屬於另一個人
ta xin li mei yi cun / dou shu yu ling yi ge ren
Every inch in her heart has been taken by the other person

她真幸福 幸福得真殘忍
ta zhen xin fu / xin fu de zhen can ren
She's really happy and this happiness is cruel

讓我又愛又恨 她的愛怎麼那麼深
rang wo you ai you hen / ta de ai zen me na me shen
Makes me love and hate how can her love be that deep

我的愛人 她已有了愛人
wo de ai ren / ta yi you le ai ren
The person I love has a lover

從他們的眼神 說明了我不可能
cong ta men de yan shen / shuo ming le wo bu ke neng
The look in their eyes tells it all, it's impossible for me

每當聽見 她或他說(我們)
mei dang ting jian / ta huo ta shuo (wo men)
Everytime I hear them use 'we'

就像聽見愛情 永恆的嘲笑聲
jiu xiang ting jian ai qing / yong heng de chao xiao sheng
It's just like love, laughing at me, eternally